hope is breathing

"People who blindly go through life too

2011-01-21T17:49:00.001-08:00

"People who blindly go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe like they do, will find themselves defenseless against the experience of tragedy or the probing questions of a smart skeptic."
-Tim Keller

Thoughts? Curious if you agree or disagree.

And go!

"People who blindly go through life too

the year the wheels came off

2010-12-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

Everyone does a little "end of year reflection" as the year closes, right? and of course, I would love to do this, as this year has been a doozy. This sort of felt like the year that the wheels fell off the car, and we flipped and crashed. Sort of like this.

For me professionally, it was definitely that year. I learned a lot of things this year, things that sort of kill the optimist in me in some ways, sadly. It's the problem with the kind of gig I was in, people feel passionately about where they worship, and sometimes their passions turn to agendas, which turn to toxic things that hurt lots of people (including themselves). The fortunate thing is that there is healing, even in crappy circumstances. And I did walk away with some good lessons on life through both my experiences and those of friends (new or just reminders):

* people are awesome. Having people who care about Jesus and about people are most always the greatest people to be around. and when you go through crap, they are a must have to make it through the day.

* people are jerks. It is easy to criticize things (of any type or organization), and very hard to do anything constructive. When people just want to pick things apart, they generally forget that people are involved, they just see ideas. And when that happens, the ugly side of humanity (the side that disowns humanness) rears it's head.

* leaders with little vision & integrity are dangerous to partner with, and not dangerous in a good way.

* politics & political systems + church = crap. because it becomes less about Jesus moving in the world, and more about kissing babies and making committees happy so you keep your job. I would go so far to say those aren't really churches so much as civic groups. Sort of like a non profit.

* toxic work environments don't just affect you. they affect your family too. as such, they aren't worth sticking around to be a martyr for the cause. value your family, get the crap out.

That last one was a hard pill to swallow for me this year too. It ended up being hard to pull my head out of my troubles to realize the damage that my value of my work had done to my family. I knew things were bad, but I hoped they would change, and had lots of "what if's" that never materialized to help solve the problem. And while I have hated losing that job with students I enjoyed, being gone from that job has been good for me in a lot of ways. And if they offered me my job back with twice the salary, I would tell them no. Unless I was on the brink of losing my house and my family couldn't afford to live, I would never go back.

My family suffered through the year a lot, though a lot of our struggle has been long term, which is mostly my fault. That was the other hard part of the year, the personal struggles and failures. In some ways, losing the things I did opened my eyes up to that more this year. Finding that I placed too much self worth in where I draw my paycheck from was maybe one of the greatest things that came out of the year. And as a guy who teaches finding worth in BEING rather than DOING, I had a lot of self confidence wrapped up in my job. Having that crumble away was actually quite healthy for me.

Learning to receive and trust for provision was also a great lesson this year. Frankly, without things being provided and given to us as they were this year, we probably would have collapsed, financially or otherwise. It is a strange paradox to struggle with not being angry with God about where your life has taken you while thanking him for sustaining your family in ways you don't understand. Weird to say "thanks for the help, but I am still pissed at you about all this..." It's good to know that God provides even when we aren't in the mood to just receive the help. God holds us together, even when things fall apart. And I know and trust that deep in my bones now that I have lived (am living) it.

This year was for sure the hardest and most miserable year I have ever had I think. Professionally and personally, it was stained with heartache, anger, mistakes, injustice, and stress. But in that I learned a lot about life, faith, and trust. And I was reminded the value of love, and of family. I was forced into lessons on humility, and learned that we are held together even when things seem like they are falling apart.

Like I said, it felt like this year has been one where the wheels flew off, and we crashed. The thing I am finding in life is that you have to decide for yourself that it is worth it to climb from the wreckage and get up and go again. You have to trust that getting out of the car is a good thing. So, for us, we are trying to climb out of the wreck, and start over.

There is life in the car.

The story is not over. There is more left to tell and to just give up would be a waste.

Things that helped hold me together were these:
lunch/coffee with friends (thanks to you all)
teaching from mars hill church.
> the village elder
> songs like this

Live deeper.

the search is on... part 2

2010-11-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

So, a while back (and sadly only 2 posts ago...) I started a process about how to find a church. Regardless of WHY you are trying to find a church, you need to connect the dots on the HOW, and find that place, and plug in.

There are important factors to consider in what your church is about, and what that means to you. This is the other part of the conversation that makes the difference. Now, before I get into this, I need to say that a person's commitment to a church is a deeply personal thing, and that as believers, we all need to respect this about each other. Here's what I mean. Take my family for instance. My cousin (who is 2 weeks younger than I am and so I feel it a fair comparison that we are in similar age/stage of life), has been a part of the same church since before he was even a blip on the radar. He has never left. He feels a very deep tie to the place he has grown up. This is great, and I love that about him. He has "survived" a building relocation, ditching the choir robes, reinstatement of the robes, changing the color of the choir robes, an added monthly contemporary service, doubling the size of the campus, mission trips, staff changes, hardships and strains between people at church, COMMITTEES, and much more. I love that he is that committed to a (one) church. That said, this story is not true for all of us. Some of us have been burned, or just don't have luck with places, and as such, we tend to carry a bit of mistrust. Neither is more right than the other, it just simply is, as near as I can tell.

So, here are some more thoughts about finding the right place:

1. heart is key: What I mean is this, that you need a level of similar heartbeat with a place that you want to go. For example, if art is important to you, find a church with an arts community. If ministry to a particular group of people matters to you, find a place that targets those people. (i.e. don't find a church with a dog blessing ministry if you want to network with the homeless community in your city. you will find yourself in a constant state of frustration)

2. don't just find a church of yes men/women: Be willing to spend time with people outside your age/stage of life. They have good questions, good wisdom, and them disagreeing with you may turn out to be a really great thing. Either because their angle has great insight, or because their questions will provoke you to have a concrete answer about why you feel the way you feel. Either way, it's a win.

3. don't let "style" be THE issue: YES, we have preferences of how we like worship to look, and YES we tend to gravitate to those places, but don't let that be the defining issue of where you go. If we all just picked church based on the style of the place (be it music, facilities, how hipster the pastor is) we would never go, or there would be 3 churches in the world. (the old traditional one, the cool hip rock show, and the one for all the weirdos that don't fit either of the other 2) Sure, how a church worships can be helpful in finding a place, (if you connect with God in certain ways, a church that helps engage those is good) but it shouldn't be the only thing you look for.

4. know what the Church is meant to be, and find THAT: Look at the end of Acts 2, where they talk about the traits of a church. Remember that the Church is meant to be the bride of Jesus, and we are His sons and daughters. And to find a place that knows those things and embraces those things is important. If the place doesn't feel like what the Church is meant to be, ask why. Look for answers. Ask staff or people in the church you are visiting about it. If the answers leave you doubting, that may not be the place to land. Move on, and keep hunting.

5. consider WHERE you are in life, WHERE you want to be, and HOW your church ties into it: If you are, say, like myself, (an almost 30 year old with 2[ish] kids and a wife), find a place that values young families. Please note that I didn't say find a church of only young families. We need older generations to pass on wisdom we can't find anywhere else. We need those people in our church. BUT, if the church you visit doesn't seem to place any emphasis on that group (i.e. all classes/small groups/etc are targeting 60+ with nothing for young people) they are (intentionally or not) avoiding you and your age/stage. Probably not your place to land, though it could be. It just may be more of a fight.

6. avoid the numbers game: Large numbers of people doesn't equal a healthy place. Conversely, a small church doesn't equal an alive place where everyone knows/loves everyone. It just means the cliques are smaller. If you grew up in a small church, you may find you love a big place. If you grew up in megachurches, you may find you like a small community. The numbers simply don't matter. I've found places as small as 10 that I loved, 800, or 2000. All great places. When it comes to church, size doesn't matter.

Again, this isn't some sort of exhaustive, end all list, but it is some food for thought. Feel free to add to the conversation. Would love some feedback.

What would this mean for church...

2010-10-20T19:14:00.001-07:00

Read this in a magazine today, great thought. Here it goes:

"Sometimes producing things is more gratifying - and more conducive to building community - than consuming them." ny times mag ftw!

Its got me wondering, what would happen if Christianity got this. Not just thought it a good idea, but really GOT it. And lived it out.
What would the Church look like? If we hit our neighborhoods and spheres of influence and created something together instead of just consuming a service/cool song/sermon.

I think the are pockets that do this, but what if did it?

Live deeper...

the search is on... part 1

2010-09-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

So, in my whole journey out of church employment and into just going to church, I've been given a lot to think about. Mostly by myself of course, because I tend to enjoy over thinking things, but it's been a conversation that has been bigger than me at the same time. I have had quite a few conversations about it as of late, so I wanted to put some thoughts down on paper. I would love some discourse on this, so, intro out of the way, here we go...

SEARCHING FOR A CHURCH: SOME THOUGHTS

I think sometimes we think a lot of things about church-shopping, mostly:
1. that it's bad. (you're SHOPPING?! for a CHURCH?!?!?!? you don't SHOP for a church you PAGAN!!! REPENT!!!) Now, I'm not saying go to wal-mart and find the cheapest one that requires the least of you, but know that finding the right place sometimes means visiting lots of WRONG places. (even if it is just their poorly designed website)

2. that God will reveal to us in a chorus of 1000 angels that we have landed in the right church. No, probably not. Life is not an episode of touched by an angel. A dove won't fly into the picture and some lady next to you get a soft glow on top of her head and tell you in a thick irish accent that this is where you should be. It's much more natural than that. You find a community of people you relate to, God will place those people in front of you, and you'll know you're there. (Save the rest of this idea for part 2...)

3. that it is not worth the time/trouble/hastle/pain/etc... YES IT IS. It matters, because being a part of a community is seriously important. God wouldn't have built the Church if it wasn't something that mattered or that was supposed to exist. Some versions of church may be a horrible idea, but then, call me crazy, maybe those are the places you skip returning to. Doesn't mean all are bad. Some are really really great. That could be it's own blog, so we'll leave that as it is for now.

** important delineation to make here to: "attending services" is not the same as "going to church." Think about it.

4. that it will take forever - maybe, maybe not. doesn't mean it isn't worth the effort.

I have to say, it's been really freeing to dream about what church can look like, rather than settling for something that I might not really want to be a part of. And knowing that I am in no rush to find the place, but to really find the place I want to engage in has been really great. Maybe that's a good place to start, ask what you would LOVE in a place to join.

Part 2 coming up soon. Start dreaming. Live deeper.

As long as it's not like this, you'll be good:

question to consider...

2010-07-20T20:19:00.001-07:00

A question I am pondering, for the Church, for me in relation to the Church (and church): What will you trade your life for? Feel like its an important question to ask, especially in chapter changes like I find myself in. We all trade for something. Money, power, love, fame, honor, country. How about you?

detox. (or 28 days later)

2010-07-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, it hasn't really been 28 days, more like 40-ish, but the concept is there, right? Truth be told, it hasn't been that kind of detox. I'll explain. First you have to understand that as pastors, sometimes we are prone to ministry toxins. Sometimes we are aware of them, but do nothing, sometimes we try to avoid them, and sometimes they sneak up on us. But they are there none the less.

Ministry can be sort of like an exposure to something, I mean, good ministry - or just leadership for that matter - involves a lot of transparency. A lot of exposure. Putting yourself out there in a moment of honesty, hoping it works out. Some suffer the poison of the hero syndrome, in which they hold up their ministry on their shoulders, and refuse to budge, saying that they won't let go of the thing that God has entrusted them with, because it's their calling. They feel like its their duty to save the world by working in ministry, regardless the cost. This is a hard one to combat, because they play the "God has called me to this" card as often as possible, and hold it over any naysayers or critics. And truth be told, we (leaders) all want to feel like we matter, and playing the "save the cheerleader, save the world" card helps us feel good about ourselves (as if leadership and ministry were about us, right?)

Others suffer from buddy syndrome, in that everyone is good friends, and they don't want to leave their friends hanging, so they overcommit themselves, doing anything and everything that comes their way ministry-wise. Needless to say, they suffer massive burnout at times, and they don't understand why life isn't balanced.

Some simply exist with what I refer to as barnacle syndrome. Like a boat on the water collecting these toxic animals, taking on things that aren't necessarily healthy, though you can sail with them. If you sail with too many though, when they come off your rots out and then your boat sinks. And of course, the "why me God?" card is always in play here.

On some level, I have probably been a person needing treatment of all 3 of these in some sort of degree, though the one that finally did me in so to speak was barnacle syndrome. As I got ready to leave, I had a range of emotions, from being sad for the kids I was leaving to joy for the things that awaited when I left, the opportunity to go to a new church, and to see the life that was out there for me and my family. But as I got ready to leave, I knew I cared about the kids, but I began to pull away and detach emotionally from the place, and realized that I was a boat in a sea of barnacles. I had help fighting them off, but there was enough in the water that it was bad for me to keep the boat there.

Now, hear me right on this, there are lots of people there I love, and will always love and enjoy and be friends and care for. But, in the grand picture, it was a place that long term was not going to be healthy for me. This was a hard thing for me to admit, and I was not totally aware of it, because, you know, sometimes barnacles are under the surface. You don't know they are there til it's too late to do much. And I also thought it was just part of the job. While there is some truth to that, there isn't much to it. Toxic is toxic, exposure is bad. Period.

Being away was good for me, because this forced me cold turkey to cut off the barnacles. It's been tough, but it's also been good. It has been quite a challenge in a lot of ways, with more stress than I would have thought possible. Taking a pay cut, having major financial issues in the form of a busted transmission in one of our cars. And yet in all of this, we are still a float. I never really doubted that God would provide, but I didn't know where this road was heading, and I didn't like that. On some level, the selfish jerk in me still doesn't.

In those moments, I found myself fighting something I claim to hate: entitlement. Somewhere I found myself saying "God, why did you DO this? I mean, I gave up a good career path, good money, security, for youth ministry. And now you've left me out in the cold. What the crap?! You owe me better than that." That last phrase would stop me, because what I know is, God doesn't owe me a thing. In all honesty, at the end of the day, He doesn't owe me anything at all. Yet here I am, asking what His deal is, why he is making life so difficult, and yet, He has provided in ways I would have never imagined.

Don Miller's latest book talks about the importance of living a good story, and on some level, I feel like I am writing one heck of a chapter right now. He makes this reference to why abused people stay in their situation though, and he said "[they] are afraid to choose a better story, because though their current situation is bad, at least it's a bad story they are familiar with. So they stay."

Reading that, I wondered if that was my job at church. Good times with the kids, but past that, I was in an environment that wasn't a story I should be writing or living. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Not just in abusive relationships, but in everyday relationships? In our jobs? In the churches that we attend (regardless of whether or not we work for them.)? How much did I lose relationally at home by ignoring my buddy syndrome? How much unnecessary crap did I have to deal with by not being intentional about cutting out the barnacles instead of letting them build up? Did I really cause more harm than good if I ever played the hero, taking credit away from God?

What if we all have been living less of a story than we should? Enter detox. And so, while leaving was hard, I knew it was the right thing to do. And knowing that God is providing what I need, even in weird ways and methods, and I don't fully get the why behind this all yet, I know that my father loves me. And in that, I have all I need.

live deeper.

thoughts coming back...

2010-07-12T20:29:00.001-07:00

Hey there blog. Long time no see.

I have had a lot of thoughts about life, shocker right? With all the crazy transitions that life has had recently, I have had lots to think about, right? Strangely, lots of people think I am really angry I think. I will post later, but I am actually not so bitter about the whole thing really.

I'm mostly putting this up to hold myself accountable that the thoughts in my head need to get out on paper (metaphorical or otherwise). So, I hope to have something for you soon.

But please know that the last month, while hard at times, has been good on the whole. Sort of like detoxing, getting rid of things that needed to go you know? There are parts I will always love and miss, but on the whole, detox is a good word for the last month. Even with all the stress.

Anyways, see you soon out there.

live deeper...

things I'm currently excited about...

2010-04-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

my son saying i love you the other night.

Jónsi's new album go. amazing.

in the same vein, his new live show will be unreal:

the possibilities of life in a new job where i only work 40 hours a week.

having some financial freedom and flexibility for the first time in 4 years. (sorry youth ministry, i love you but your pay scale sucks!)

the great weather.

the new bike trailer we just put on my bike. now luke can come along for rides. great workout for the legs too. : )

contrast

2010-04-06T08:49:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you all, but for me, life feels so bipolar. I am excited about life, and about new possibilities, but not knowing where things are going sucks. The freedom of getting to do something new is sinking in, and I am almost excited about it now, even though the circumstances are complete crap. I try to love the church and yet the church fails people. I am really praying and excited for the chance to only have to have one job, so I can see my family more, and that more than anything makes the difficulty in my transition worth the pain and irritation. Yet, as I am trying to be positive and look forward to more time for family and friends, I am seeing the pain in friends' lives.

Life can be so dramatic sometimes, in terms of our light and dark. This poet I heard once wrote a whole poem about this idea of contrast. It's so great. Check it out here. The Church just celebrated the resurrection, yet churches are full of unhappy people, who fight with each other, and even more personally, people are content to attack each other. It deeply saddens me.

For instance, last week I spent an afternoon in court in a custody hearing for one of my students. The uniqueness of this case is that it was custody over where he goes to church. And while I still stand by that family, and hope that things work the way they want, I still have to step back and ask myself where in the world we landed that we go to court to let a judge dictate where our kids go to church, and who they can go with to church. I found out a friend of mine has left his wife in the middle of an adoption, and shotgunned that plan. I have another friend who just filed for divorce, and is probably about to join the crazy custody club. A student of mine is struggling with his decision a year ago to give up his parental rights to adoptive parents, and now he doesn't know how/where/what is going on with his daughter. And his daughter's mom won't speak to him. Life is just so fractured, so broken.

I think about this for me, after seeing one of my teaching pastors I respect say he is going on an 8 month leave to deal with "sins that have taken a toll on my marriage." Now, as a guy who works at a church (for now), I will say that there is something deeply wrong with how churches structure themselves, in that they leave a staff person NO space or time for family. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but those places are few and far between. For more on this idea, read this article. I think it articulates the whole thing really well. (side note: if you work for a church, READ THIS! you need to at least have the brain food)

And we are surprised when we see things like the Tiger Woods story. His story is not that unique I think. We don't allow ourselves the space to be together, and just be. My wife, who is AWESOME, called me out on this yesterday. I had the day off, but felt like I needed to be out doing something. Getting groceries, running around, checking email. She brought up the point that I didn't talk to her, was too busy checking emails, etc. and missed out on time with her. And I am a guy who loves to scream to the world to focus less on doing and more on being, yet in the panic of my life right now, somehow I lost sight of that. Like I needed to be on the run doing things to help out around the house to feel like I was contributing something. Not that it's bad for me to look for a new job or get groceries, because that has to happen, but to say "yeah, I have to get the job thing straight, but for now, wait on the emails. spend time at home and be present." I almost salvaged the afternoon from being a total wreck, but only because my wife called me out on it. (did I mention that she is AWESOME?)

For us, I think this means we have to make a brave decision. To be bold, and take steps to fight for the things that are MOST IMPORTANT. To believe in forgiveness and grace. As I read in a friend's blog we have to be less concerned with our safety, and more concerned with making the decisions we can live with. Am I okay with being the husband that ignores his wife to check email? No. So, what changes? Check email less? Different time? And that isn't that hard a decision really, but what about the deeply personal things that hurt us? What does it mean to get hurt by people, and to not move forward with the focus being to protect ourselves? If we dream things that are only within our power and are safe, is that really living? As my buddy's blog put it: "We can close up and shut down or we can learn and then trust again."

So for us who live in contrast, learn from those that wound you. Don't close down. (And know that I hate myself for writing that, but I still believe it) To shut down means you settle for something safe and manageable, and that's not what you were made for. It's not what I was created for. Relearn the art of quality time (again, speaking to myself here). And trust that light can be found in dark places, and that Love will set things right. Even that much more so if we allow Him to.

Redemption is real.

You are not alone.

I am not alone in my junk.

Life is not for regrets, and we are not the sum of our successes and failures.

Live deeper.

a fun story for you...

2010-03-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you of the wonderful things that happen when you have connections. We have family that work at the zoo, which is AWESOME. As an added bonus to our zoo membership, the employee perk was we got the chance to take a tour of the new kid's zoo before it opened up on spring break.

We went and checked it out. It was a super cool trip. The zoo fed us dino-nuggets, which while odd, were tasty. Luke enjoyed them a lot, and the fake hostess cupcakes as well.

But, I am missing the adventure, so let's get to the good stuff. So, here we go. We are in the "petting zoo" part where you can meet & greet farm animal type things. Pigs and goats and such. When all of a sudden we hear "the yellow flamingo is out." You would have sworn there was a bomb planted in the zoo somewhere. Employees everywhere all dropped (literally) everything they were doing and took off towards the flamingo pen.

We look up across the way to the flamingo pen to see what? No, not a yellow flamingo, but a normal flamingo getting manhandled by what appears to be a 16 year old. She has grabbed this thing by the torso and is in the process of placing it back over the fence. All the while the flamingo is kicking and writhing around trying to get free and take off. It was crazy, and hilarious all at the same time.

That said, we later learned that the 16 year old was actually one of the zookeepers at the zoo, she just looks young for her age.

And we learned what code yellow is. Apparently life gets fun if you ever hear that phrase.

Then I found $5!

spring, where have you gone?

2010-02-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

fighting human trafficking in OkC...

2010-02-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

I just saw this today visiting a friend's twitter page, and I have to say that my mind is blown by it. I had heard bits of the conversation surrounding this, but I didn't understand the degree to which Oklahoma City is involved in this.

For those of you that don't know, human trafficking is the "PC" way to refer to the human sex trade. (side note: keep an eye on this in Haiti too, because now that a semblance of stability is in place, this crime has re-started in Haiti, and it needs to be squashed now before it can get up and running again) It's not a pretty thing, and it's a horrible injustice to humanity, and to the heart of God. Nothing about this is okay, and I think it is something that needs to be combated against this. This kind of thing really makes me frustrated for the justice in the world (or seeming lack of), but it's a good kind of frustration. The kind that makes me want to be a person of action, not just anger and words.

Here is a video explaining a local group called "all things new" that is actually in Oklahoma City, doing some incredible work. My brain is already trying to think of ways to get involved and support them.

My friend's blog about this also listed his resources from the State Department's 2007 Trafficking In Persons (TIP) report. You can view that here.

I would encourage and challenge you guys to get involved too. Rage and fight against this kind of thing. And do whatever you can to help end it.

keep going

2010-01-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been tough. I have my share of tough things to slosh through, and I have had friends that have had their share of lousy things to trudge through as well. My students have had people from their schools commit suicide, and it has been a rough season for many for various reasons. (not to mention being too busy for my own good. it's taken me 4 days to get this entry finished!)

But the thing I want to point to is the idea to keep going. To stay on the move. I remember one of my friends in college saying that when he wasn't sure where/what all he wanted to do as he progressed in college, that he decided to stay in school rather than back off, saying it was better to keep moving than to stop. Made a lot of sense to me then, but it makes even more sense to me now. I appreciate his view on that a lot more than I used to.

And so, for you, if you are feeling the weight of life, keep going. I was talking to a friend today, and he was saying the same kind of stuff. Rather than having lots of vague questions of God with no answers, ask for some specific things, and see what happens. You will find answers, even if they are no's. Stay on the move, because that is a good place to be. As my friend said, by saying what you want, what you're thinking you allow God to acknowledge what you want, and He might say yes, or He might derail you, but you'll know where you are at least.

I have been asking myself questions since my vacation. Well, maybe a bit ON my vacation. Of asking where God is on the move, because He usually always is somewhere (side note: often times this IS OUTSIDE THE WALLS OF THE CHURCH!). And I have been asking a lot of where is He on the move. Haven't figured that all out yet, but I am hoping that when that happens I am in a good place, and that good things are going on.

And, at the same time, I have to overcome a lot of fear of variables and things I don't get to control. Or fear of things not working how I want them to. Being afarid of not making enough money, or of landing in a season that is worse than what I am in, or "x" fill in the blank. I forget how liberating it can be to trust, try to have faith and let go of my need to KNOW what is going on. Now, that doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind, because, you have to be smart about things. For me, I have to think bigger than me, because I have a marriage and a family to consider. Throwing out total control doesn't mean you throw out your intelligence too. Have to have both.

Another thing that is keeping me inspired is this group called "People of the Second Chance." They are an amazing community to be tied to, and I am glad to walk with them. Because I need to know grace in my life and in my leadership. And because it is important to be a person of grace and 2nd chances over and over and over. They are the grace version of how I feel about hope. I need to be a person of hope for myself on days when hope seems gone, and I need to be a person of hope because life is big and messy and beautiful, and it all points to a person. And hope is a powerful thing.

So, while you need to be smart and intentional about what/where you are going, hold to grace, cling to hope, and keep going.
Or, put it another way.

love on purpose.

live deeper.

memories for me

2010-01-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

hey all, quick warning. this blog is pretty much just for me. I mean, I'm posting it, and if you read it, that's fine. But I'm making a list for me of things to remember, and for me to have out on the web so I can always come back to it.

my grandmother passed away this week, and we had the funeral yesterday, and so, I'm working though it. But I made this list of memories one night after she was gone, and I wanted to keep it. Some are great and random and some are just fun. Ask me about them sometime if you want. my grandma was the best, so sharing stories is always okay. here goes...

::memories with mo::
> having a birthday buddy for 28 years (we had the same b-day)
> her house with the bright blue carpet
> the cars I played with at her house
> eating double stuff oreo's.
> going with my mom at least once a week to hang out and help house clean
> my growing/maturing ice cream palate (all before age 10). as follows:
* lime sherbet
* peppermint
* butter pecan (which I didn't like, and still don't)
* after dinner mint

> her keeping up with my changing soda preferences (some order similar to this):
* coke - dr. pepper - pepsi - coke - grape slice - pepsi - orange slice - grape slice - pepsi
> her spending the night with our family @ christmas, which was the best. make AWESOME cinnamon rolls on christmas morning, and open presents together (until i was an early teen?)
> watching the OJ Simpson highway chase (which didn't make sense. we didn't like OJ per se, but it was weird and we were over there hanging out, so we watched it)
> her house had a BIG hill in the back yard, which meant one thing: high speed slip 'n slide.
> climbing the crab apple tree in the back yard.
> racing her car in our front yard when I was a kid and she would leave to go home. (which grew from our yard to the neighbor's, and was almost 4 yards long before we retired the game.) she always let me win, though she made her car sound impressive with some neutral revving.

> the pillow she had in her car. had this massage thing that was dying, and it always made me laugh because I thought it sounded like a fart. she always put up with that too.
> her passenger window in her oldsmobile. it made an AWFUL sound when you rolled it up.
> beating on her pots and pans when I was a little kid. they all thought I would be a drummer when I grew up. whoops. : )
> her laugh/smile
> going with her places. I remember this one time we went to target, and I really wanted some cheesy toy, and I was being a brat about it, and she lovingly yet firmly told me to let it go. I still remember that, and hope to discipline my kids like that.
> going with her to kamp's, back when it was still a grocery store. i think about that every time I go eat there.

> visiting her up at epworth, in her various places. in her first apartment, she used to wave from the balcony when we would leave. i will never forget that. spending time there with her (with the fam or alone) were the best times. and she still kept oreo's around for us when we visited.
> eating lunch/dinner with her at epworth. I would show up in jeans and a polo (or something very un-fancy), but she would introduce us to everyone at dinner like we were the president.
> the green robe she made me when I was a kid. that thing was awesome.
> watching anything OSU with her. though, specifically football. she knew more about the football team player's, stats, etc. than i ever did. even recently.
> spending the night at her house when I was a kid.
> it was a big deal when she got cable, we got to go watch all sorts of stuff we didn't have at my house. lots of nickelodeon, and I remember watching rin tin tin episodes when I would spend the night.

> i remember hot chocolate and apple cider at her place when it got cold. good alternative to oreo's and milk in the winter.
> being in mother's day out with her. I remember thinking I would get away with more if she was in the room b/c she was my grandma.
> I remember my sister and I would try to sneak up on my mom and her while they would talk and we would play. she would always play along, but was ALWAYS aware which corner we would peek around. we never got through without getting caught.
> her and my sister getting into "love you more" fights. they would always work through this progression of who loved who the most, and it would always build and build and end in a lot of laughter and hugs. maybe the best game ever to play with a grandparent.

I will come back and add probably as I remember things, so feel free to come back and add to them in comments if you like. lots of memories.

I think the thing I loved most about her was that she taught me all about loving people well. She did a lot of things right, and she loved everybody so much. Her taking care of family was such a big deal for her, and she was incredible at being a leader in the fam, both in words of love and encouragement, and in actions. Simple things like giving grandkids cookies, telling people she loved them, spending time together.

Maybe it is nostalgia for me to run around places like kamp's and other places and such, but I think between how I grew up and knowing/watching how she lived, I learned a lot about the need to love people well, and the importance of loving where I live. And it has made loving OkC really easy too.

I will miss her terribly, but I have a lot of memories obviously. and those memories will help on days missing her hurts. and I trust that I will see her again, and it will be so much better the next time. Still hope she has oreo's though, and maybe coffee instead of milk, though I will always go for milk and oreo's. I could never outgrow that.

love on purpose.

live deeper.

help-portrait post-event...

2009-12-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hope you've had a chance to see the Help-Portrait recap video. If not, it's a part of the blog. Check it out. It was such a great day, for so many different reasons. The first of course being the chance to do something incredible for people in need. That was so great. Meeting the people, and getting to hang out together with them was a great thing. Getting to borrow someone's super nice photography setup wasn't too bad either. I shot with some incredible lights and backdrop for a while, and it's given me the "buy nice gear" bug. But that's for another time later in life.

Here is one of the things I really enjoyed about this project: I got to be a part of something bigger than me, just for me. I wasn't doing it because I had to, and I wasn't doing it because I am the youth pastor and it's a part of my job. I got to do this just because there was a great opportunity to do something good for someone else. And that was great.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job (most days). And I love getting to lead students out on missions and different things to try and point to a lifestyle of being missional. I think without an intentional bent on missional living, Christianity is a joke. It's like driving a car with no tires. To those who follow Jesus it's an insult to the redemptive work He did to never get outside the walls of the church. To those that don't follow Jesus, it points to the problem that caused society to move to a post-church mindset: that church and following Jesus is all about ME, and what I get out of the deal. And that we never get out and actually care about people. Okay, that's a post for another time. I am stepping off my soapbox now.

And so while I love what I get to do on that front in my job, I LOVED getting to help lead something and be a part of a team of people all working towards the same end. It felt so great to just go and love people, and not have to worry about too many logistics. It was fantastic. LOVED it. We are already talking about doing another one in the spring.

Which leads me to a question to end with: What are you doing to create good out there? How are you dropping bombs of hope and love on people who don't have any? How can you? Is it through your job? your hobbies? Can the things you do for a living or in your free time impact others around you?

They should.

Live deeper.

recap from the weekend

2009-12-15T11:57:00.001-08:00

from our trip to the pumpkin patch

2009-10-18T20:46:00.001-07:00

LOVED this picture. had to put it up!

on work and living...

2009-09-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

For my one, follower, and anyone else who reads, if you don't know, I'm a youth pastor by profession when I quit slinging coffee. And I love what I do, in spite of my awkward and sometimes jaded upbringing in church and church culture.

So, I missed out on the national youth worker's convention this year, which usually bums me out, but what I saw of this year, I think skipping might have been a win for me. That's a topic for a different time probably, though part of why I am so excited is that I get to go see THIS GUY with my buddy, THIS GUY. A much better deal by far methinks.

Anyways, I have been streaming some of the general sessions from nywc just so I can hear part of the conversation that is going on, and the last (?) session had Francis Chan speaking, who is a super cool guy that I respect a great deal, because he is a lot more honest than I think most people working for churches would ever be, without fear of some committee coming and asking him to leave since he seems so disinterested. Again, another blog for another day.

Here is my point: he said this thing that is so encouraging, and so challenging all at the same time, so here it is:
The old me used to cry because of the lost, and then I became a pastor and now I don't cry..I want the old me back" - Francis Chan

I LOVE this quote. LOVE it. And here is why. This is life for a pastor, or at least that has been my experience. It is SO easy to get lost in planning for the next meeting, going over curriculum for the next small group, planning worship, scheduling events and transportation while considering security and volunteer roles/involvement that we completely miss the point of our jobs. It makes me wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong in the way we do our jobs. And, I think that this spreads to other jobs too, I don't think this is some "special privilege" for people working for churches. I think we all get lost in the small things, the over thought, over complicated things of life/work and we miss out. I mean, what if (for me as a youth pastor and you as "insert your job/time consuming responsibility here") we totally miss Jesus because he is in the slumped shoulders of a sad student that I miss because I am planning my report for the next meeting?

I think he brings up a great point, that while ministry is a job, and we definitely have responsibilities and stuff to do and get finished and such, is it worth doing if we are so wrapped up in it that we have no joy in our job? No interaction with our community? I can relate to that idea a lot, as I struggle with having a sense of community in my present location. I have a great youth group community, but my family has youth and youth sponsors, and that's our tribe. Which is great, but is not a group we do a lot with outside of youth stuff, which I step into as a youth pastor, as a staff person. I don't really get to be at church and be IN church. I'm always the youth guy, which means I get asked about computers, why teenagers are so noisy, why did I decide to do youth ministry and not go to seminary to be a "real pastor?" I never really go to worship to worship. It's like my worship time gets sucked up by the job. I wonder, if all us pastoral types were really honest, would we admit that we get to worship or not? and REALLY worship, not just sit in a worship service/experience.

Put it another way, do we go through the motions of worshipping and living out our relationship with Jesus, or is it a formality to serve our careers? Do we weep at things that God weeps for? Are we moved with compassion for those in need, or do we pat them on the back, say Jesus loves you, and offer them a bus ticket to the food for the homeless program down the road?

"...I became a pastor and now I don't cry..." that hits hard. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like the job sucks out the life from the calling. I don't think I am, but I don't know how many would be honest and say that. I expect most would acknowledge that it happens, give a good theological argument for it being a "time in life where ______" followed by a bible verse or two about it, a couple verses about how God wants to change that, and an offer to pray for me, which would all feel kind of trite in a way because I think it takes a BIG thing that is deeply embedded in our hearts, and reduces it to an almost greeting card-like thing. Which frankly - no offense to those that do this - offends me deeply.

So I find myself glad I didn't go, but still considering things/conversations from NYWC. And praying that I work quickly and effectively, so that I can get the "work" done that I need to, but still be free and available to do the "ministry" that is what God really called me to.

live deeper

game time with my local friend

2009-09-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I am a fan of local art, and think it's good for a person to be about supporting the locals. That said, one of the local guys I love put a couple songs online, in game format. It's pretty fantastic. So, I said to myself, why not share?

Here it is! Enjoy! (And trust me, I will ACTUALLY write something soon!)

Just to say hey!

2009-09-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, I'm really trying to think of something good for you, but I am having a hard time getting my brain to get firing. It's been a long day. Good, but long. So, I'll leave you with a picture of luke from the other day. He is a huge fan of the outside. I think that's so great. Hopefully he can keep that going. Anyways, til I have something useful to say, here ya go:

calling all shutterbugs!

2009-08-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hey gang,

so I have a, guess he would be a facebook friend? we know a few of the same people, and have swapped an email or two...
anyways, so my facebook buddy Jeremy was a guest on another photographer's blog the other day, and posted this video. I'll put it below here in a second. Check out Jeremy's full website too.

But, here's what I think would be awesome. What if we did this? What if we all participated in this deal? It could be the coolest way to give someone a great Christmas, I think. I have some ideas in my head, but I would love to make it a big crew project. What do you guys think? Let me know! Here's the vid:

I am absolutely LOVING this idea. Let's do it! Who's in? If you're up for it, go check out http://www.help-portrait.com/ and get on board! I think this could be awesome.

Live deeper.

it's been so long!!!

2009-08-24T12:21:00.001-07:00

Wow, so I apparently haven't even stopped by my own blog in a REALLY long time. Not to do anything but check my blog and make sure it was still working at least. It seems I have survived the summer. School is back in session now, and I feel like I can take a breather for a couple of minutes. I loved my summer, don't get me wrong, but being gone for 4 out of 12 weeks is a LOT, especially for a guy not used to that many weeks gone.

But, that said, it was a challenge for me to be gone, to be on the move, and to still be a husband/dad/youth pastor/barista. Parts of it I absolutely loved, other parts I never want to repeat.

But, coming out of the summer, I have had a LOT of thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts about who I am, who I am wanting to be, and how to re-learn living out of the deepest parts of my heart.

Part of what I realized this summer is my need to be bold. Listening to people speak at camps, I watched people speak boldly about their love of Jesus, and not be concerned with stepping on toes, or over-simplifying the gospel. I don't mind offending people because I think at it's core the gospel is quite offensive, but I sometimes try to make the idea so easy to grasp that I overdo it and strip out some of the depth and meaning unintentionally. I need to change that. So, I find myself in a place of retooling what and how I say things, and making sure that my trying to get the point across doesn't get lost in translation.

Another thing I have found from the summer that I need to fix is my being consistent, and living on intentionally. My wife, who is AWESOME at pulling out her "crap detector" has worked me over in a good way with that thing. Here's what happened: we got into a couple of "normal" spouse-ly brushes this summer, and I found myself saying the phrase "well, I didn't mean to _____" which in my mind was true, and not all bad, right? When out of the blue God jumps in my wife's mouth and smacked me upside the head with the point "yeah, you're not meaning to do ______, and you're not doing anything at all." BAM.

So, I find myself now in need of some changes, but changes for the better. I fight as much as I can to be genuine, and to live out of my heart, but it seems my heart needs a bit of work. I need to "not try to do ____" and "do _____" and be more a person of action. And even more so than that, my action needs to be rooted in love, which it wasn't always this summer, as I got caught up in being too busy, and not saying no to things.

Fortunately, I have found some friends to give me food for thought, and inspiration, they're called heartsupport. and they are awesome people. I have local friends to hang with for sure, and I need that community, but I love HS because it's a group of people who are there on purpose to be people seeking hope, love, and to live deep and from the right place. You should check them out, you might like them.

Well, off I go, to see a good friend and talk life and such. I love OkC, and this buddy of mine is deeply embedded in some amazing things in OkC. I am looking forward to what we can do together in the fall. Should be awesome.

live deeper. (for real, and from the right places)

stream imogen heap's new album!

2009-08-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, shameless plug, just because I think her music is that good.

Check it:

Bed head!

2009-05-28T20:15:00.001-07:00

My son just woke up and is looking awesome.

updates...

2009-05-27T07:57:00.001-07:00

Hello all! It has been a busy few weeks. So much going on! But it has been a journey to say the least.

Family is good, though loving family well is a challenge when you work 60+ a week. Luke is rocking the tooth bearing world, and about to start dominating the running/walking world. Also looking like he might be an awesome footballer. My guess is he could be the american wayne rooney. He's got some work left, but he's already on the road to a good strong kick. Courtney is doing a fantastic job with Luke. He's the awesome kid he is because he's got a great mom watching him all day. I don't give her enough praise & credit, but that doesn't make her work there any less awesome. We've got friends coming in soon too to hang out, and that will be fun too. Can't wait for that!

I started a new blog mostly in relation to design stuff that I've been doing. I got an awesome chance to do some graphic design stuff for wesley umc, and that was a blast to walk through the whole process. I've still got a bit of stuff to finish for them (customizing business cards with names/titles) but other than that it's all done. Helped finance my purchase of one of these. Been loving that purchase too. And I'm looking at my first big "speaking engagement" for a camp. I had a one night deal where I pinch hit for a friend, but this would be a legit week at a camp. It's kind of daunting to think I'd have something worth saying, let alone 4 days worth of something worth saying. But we'll see if it all pans out. I'm hoping it will. Could be a cool cool opportunity.

For those of you who haven't heard the whole story, here's the last 6+ weeks of life. I was told I was being let go on May 31st from my church job, and then May 11th they changed their mind and decided to let me stay. So, I was leaving, but now I'm here to stay. It was a heck of a process to have to go through, but the thing that was interesting was the way people came alive over this deal.

I have to be honest, it was insanely humbling (almost awkward) to see kids in the youth and the parents and volunteers rally for me and work so hard to help me keep my job. But it was a good, constructive conversation on all sides, the kids, the parents, the church leadership, and we're all moving forward and doing our best to join in a great direction from here out.

I hope we can keep up this energy as we get further away from this thing. The challenge of something like this is that people got passionate about something, and great things came from it, and now we have the task of moving forward and seeing what else we can do; what else God can do through us if we get passionate like this. I'm hoping that we'll see some amazing stuff come out of this. I really do.

And so starts week one of camp for me next week. 2 more plus the possible partial week of speaking. It's going to be a big summer. Praying that I don't spread myself too thin. But I think if I'm working on being intentional, it'll work out. It's life, you know? Give & take, hope and fight, peace & pushing.

Live deeper.

for my trekkie friends

2009-05-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

in honor of star trek coming out, here's a little something for you all:

if you're on facebook, this probably didn't embed, so here's the link:

http://current.com/items/90029658_death-star-destroys-enterprise.htm

see ya!

hanging with the fam on mom's day

2009-05-10T19:29:00.001-07:00

Posted via Pixelpipe.

@Blogger

2009-04-27T07:50:00.001-07:00

Sky driving home the other day...

Posted via Pixelpipe.

much to say, but not yet...

2009-04-10T08:21:00.001-07:00

GREAT advice on money

2009-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

saw this today on a friend's blog, thought I'd pass it along.

what are you doing in april?

2009-03-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted this on his blog the other day, and I checked it out yesterday, it was great to see. It's been a great thing to be a part of invisible children, and the things they're doing. It's been so crazy to see how this random group of guys with a movie have been able to help encourage so much change in the world. And it looks like they're on to the next part of their plan. They aren't tipping any cards though, so I'm curious to see what they do.

You should check it out too. Here's the link:
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/april2009/index.html

are you growing fuzz?

2009-02-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

So for most of you, this won't be that big a deal. This is more for the my younger friends who haven't grown up in the place I did. (So mostly my youth group probably) Some of you don't know, and some of you do, but there has been what we'll call a major pothole in the road that has left the car broken down on the side of the road. I can't give you all the details yet, and honestly, this probably isn't the place for that. Ask me if you want to know. But, we'll say we've had a friend let us down, and it has hit a whole group of us very hard. And we'll never see this person again most likely, not to mention what their life will look like. He pretty much destroyed his life, and many of our friends have taken shrapnel from it.

And we're grieving, and it's hard, and it sucks, but the thing that has me struck is the issue of community & integrity. This thing makes me wonder, if we were in a place where we could all be brutally honest with each other, would this thing have looked different? If this buddy of ours had a place to be transparent and open with someone, ANYone, could this have played out different?

And I see this in our group too. Our group is fragmented. Our church is fragmented, and we're trying to unlearn what we see, though it's hard to break free of this. We better than we used to be, but there are still cliques that need to die. Relationships that need to change, some that need to be opened up, some that need to start at all.

Think of the question this way: If the goal of us following Jesus is to be fully alive, can we be fully alive if we're not fully known?

This is why I am thinking about this stuff. We need community, and REAL community. A place where we can share our struggles, our joys, our pains, our temptations, our loves, our passions. We're all friends, and we know things that we like to do, places we like to go, but do we know each others struggles? What pains does your friend carry that you know about? Do you think there are some that you don't know about? Do you carry things that no one knows about?

Do you know what happens when we don't share those things with each other? They go unchecked. And when they go unchecked, they fester. That festering grows into something worse than what it was. Sort of like when you leave juice outside in the bottle for a long time. At first it just smells, but as it goes unchecked, it starts to smell worse. Soon it starts to turn color, and it grows fuzz. And then next thing you know, you've got a tiny little bit of juice with a BIG, HUGE, GREEN & BLACK patch of moss on top of it. And if you were to drink it, it would make you horribly sick, if not kill you. If you drink enough of the moldy mossiness, it will kill you.

So the question is, do you want to leave things unchecked?

Here's my fear, and I feel like there's a level of truth to this, because I feel like I've seen it play itself out before, but here it is: If all of us leave things unchecked for whatever reason - fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment - they will fester. And if that happens in a group of people, then we're a group of festering people. And on the one hand, that's the Church, a group of sick people. But, are we trying to get better? Are we staying in our festered state? If we stay put and let the mold grow and run it's course, we'll die. And our group will die. Our church will die.

We have to fight for our hearts. We have to fight for our lives. For our group. And that starts with community. So, where do you go from here? You can get sicker if you want, or you can fight. Fight the sickness. Rebel against your own indifference. Scream into your apathy that you're not going to stay put. Shine light in dark places.

And in that, may we find hope. And know that love is deeper and bigger than our pains and struggles.

live deeper...

video about the refuge

2009-02-04T09:47:00.001-08:00

Saw this today, thought we could all use some inspiration today.

apparently it won't embed right, so here's the link:
http://www.news9.com/Global/category.asp?C=116601&autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=3322720

SO want one of these...

2009-02-01T07:08:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Marko @ youth specialties for pointing me towards this thing. We HAVE to find one for some event sometime. I don't care who's camp it is. Anyone want to do a joint retreat before it gets cold down at crosspoint?

null - Watch more free videos

I mean, really!

heavy and light

2009-01-15T11:31:00.000-08:00

if you've talked to me at all in the last 2 years, you've probably heard me talk about To Write Love On Her Arms. They are GREAT people. And I think they are doing some really, really amazing things. Saying things that need to be said, regardless of how comfortable people want to be, or how uncomfortable the things TWLOHA address are. They had a night at house of blues recently, and I really enjoyed watching it. I've watched it twice actually. I say watched, it's really more my version of radio in the office. : ) Great stuff from great people though. Go see it for yourself.

Watch this show and more at SyncLive.com

no time... but here's one for you.

2008-12-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

so life is crazy. signed papers on a house about 2 weeks ago (i think?) and we close tomorrow. been a super fast deal, but it's good.

anyways, this one is for all you who might call yourself "churchy." maybe even for those of you who'd call yourself "in ministry as a job."

thoughts?

some inspiration for the day

2008-12-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So it got cold, eh?

I've been a bit out of the loop as of late in the blogosphere, it's been busy. Getting used to fighting colds and passing it to two people instead of one in my house now. But, Luke is a trooper, so he's doing pretty good with the whole fight a cold thing. Anyways, I remember a while back I'd talked about the need to recommend a song, and I mentioned it to a friend the other day. I think it's lyrically one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. You can read 'em in a minute, I'll get there. And while I think that there is so much wonderful about this song, and I could go on and on about how great it is, I understand the value of subjectivity in viewing art. So, here's them playing live somewhere, check it out, and check out their website (www.sleepingatlast.com).

I can't even explain how amazing this song is and how it encourages me. This thing is deep.

As promised, here are those lyrics.

When the world welcomes us in,
We’re closer to Heaven than we’ll ever know.
They say this place has changed,
But strip away all of the technology
And you will see
That we all are hunters,
Hunting for something that will make us okay.

Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it’s our exit,
As we find our way home.

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.

“You were a million years of work,”
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.
They kissed your head and said,
“You’re a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we’ll see you soon.”

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.

We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love

Live deeper.

relevant magazine! BANE OF MY SICK DAY!

2008-11-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

So I feel miserable today. I checked the news though, and I found this on Relevant Magazine's website. Thought I'd share it, because if I get to be miserable, so do you.

the buttons have been pushed...

2008-11-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

so, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am that the election time is over. normal commercials have resumed, and people seem to hate each other a lot less than they did. it's ridiculous how polarizing politics is. I don't even know a good reason for it to make people so angry all the time. it's just silly.

I had a conversation (on facebook) with a friend the other day about all of the political happenings, and they had made a joke about moving somewhere because Obama was going to be the president. She said she was adamantly opposed to him because he's pro-choice, and pretty socialistic in nature, and the rumor's that he's the anti-Christ seemed to worry her as well.

I guess you could say it lit a fire for me, and this was right after the election. I was fried and totally not interested at all. And then I got interested really quick. I told her that to seriously consider moving away because the election didn't go the way she wanted was unAmerican & unChristian. And I hold by that statement.

Here's why it's unAmerican: if you leave when the vote doesn't go your way, then you don't believe in democracy. The reality of democracy is this: sometimes the vote doesn't go the way you want it to. Sometimes it does. But you can't talk about packing up and leaving when the vote doesn't go your way. That's not democracy, that's consumerism in politics. It's a pick & choose & have it your way method of looking at it all. If Obama runs the whole thing into the ground, I'll gladly accept responsibility for my vote and apologize. But on the other hand, if McCain had won, I wouldn't be packing up and heading for Canada. I'd do that just because Canada is beautiful. : ) But that isn't an American thing to do. Quite the contrary. Like I blogged the story about how not voting could be considered an act of violence, I'd say that running when you don't like the turnout is anything but patriotic. It's quite anti-patriotic. Think about it, what if every leader in the U.S. moved out of country when things didn't go how they wanted? We'd have a country of about 500,000 people. That just doesn't work. (SIDE NOTE: the really sad thing is that this is how people in churches act. When things aren't the way their agenda looks, they go elsewhere to the other church down the street. It's no wonder churches struggle. People have zero commitment to the Church. I don't mean their denomination, we have WAY too much of that. I mean that when things aren't the way they want them, rather than step up and lead, they leave and go elsewhere, and then continue the cycle when that church "fails" them too.)

Here's where it gets fun, why I think that whole attitude is unChristian: it's an issue of your faith, and your concept of God. I feel deeply, deeply sorry for someone who thinks that one man from Chicago could single-handedly destroy Christianity just because he got elected to office. See, in my mind, my concept of God is HUGE. I believe in a God that makes stars and planets and galaxies. He breathes out the words and water covers the earth. With just a thought, life exists. Birds, insects, fish, people. So how could one of God's creations kill him just by assuming a political post? It seems to me, to be a very shallow worldview, and if my perception of God was that small, I don't know that I'd believe in Him. I mean, if one man can shut him down, is he really the all-powerful God that everyone claims to follow?

The question was raised about whether or not Obama is the anti-Christ, and I can't get behind that at all. And if you're really interested in this whole thing, I'd recommend my friend Jimmy's blog. In case you skipped this blog, here's the cliff notes: people who buy into the "one anti-christ to ruin it all" idea tend to read too many "left behind" books, and probably haven't read what the Bible actually says about the anti-Christ. I think a lot of damage was done by the left behind books, and so we need to re-examine that whole thing. It's not what you think it is.

Ultimately, I think the thing you have to know who you are. And you have to know who's you are. For me, I'm a part of God's Kingdom before I'm ever an American. Do I love America? Sure. Do we do everything right? No. Where's my loyalty lie? God's kingdom, then America. See, it's all about identity. And knowing that regardless of what/where/etc things happen, God is bigger than all of it, so it sort of isn't as important as we make it.

Thoughts?

Live deeper.

the election is almost over

2008-11-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

well, the worst of it is almost over. and I have to say I'm relieved. I'm just tired of all the commercials, all the bashing of each other, and all the stupid negativity. there's a reason I say I'm a cynic in my "political affiliation" on facebook, and it can be summed up in one word: "nobama."

now I get that everyone's entitled to their opinion, and everyone can vote for whoever they want to vote for. I get it. That's the way it's SUPPOSED to work. But why is it okay with everyone that we bash the crap out of each other? Take a local example, there's this guy named Andrew Rice running for office, and he's running against a guy who's been in office like 20 years. His argument is that Mr. 20 year office has been there too long and has lost his way in the politics of it all. Not the nicest thing to say, but, it could be a legit concern. 20 minutes in politics can ruin someone, so 20 years might be too much. But then all these attack adds are launched against Rice, talking about what a horrible person he is. He spent a good chunk of time on the mission field, he can't be all that bad. And it seems odd to me that a Republican would bad-mouth a missionary too.

the other reason I'm glad it's over is that everyone seems to feel the need to publish their vote on facebook. Again, not a huge deal, but some people feel the need to be very legalistic about the whole thing. In not so many words they basically tell me that "we can't have THAT kind of person in office, so vote for MY candidate!"

that REALLY offends me.

If I wasn't sure who to vote for, I'd consult a close friend, call my dad or mom maybe, but I wouldn't just throw it out there and say "what's everyone on facebook saying?" that's the worst idea I've ever heard. It reminds me of an argument I heard last election, that if you aren't going to educate yourself on the election then to not participate in it. Now I know I blogged that whole "non-voting as an act of violence" thing, but there's some truth here too. Waving a pen and just "shooting in the dark" as it were is also not a good idea, and could be maybe not an act of violence, but for sure a stupid mistake waiting to happen.

And I hope that everyone realizes that WE ARE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN AMERICA!!!! People get so defensive about their respective candidate, but here's the reality: whoever becomes the next president, things aren't going to change that much. they just aren't. regardless of who takes over, there will be public opinion and politicians who whine and complain, etc, etc, ETC!!!!! and things won't get accomplished. The real question is which person do you want to cast the vision to the U.S. and the world? Because the Republicans and Democrats work for each other, and they'll fight each other all the way, all the time. Things won't get done. And we can't assume a change in the person sitting in the oval office is going to revolutionize anything. It's still up to us. We still HAVE to be involved in the process.

My cynical prediction is that the people will step back and disengage after the election, and expect all their problems to get solved. And then when it doesn't work, they'll wonder why. Our consumeristic nature will even ruin the next presidency. We'll ask for the loser to take over for the winner once things hit a snag, because we don't stick it out in tough times, we look for the quick fix. We get the medicine that works fastest, or we scrap the idea and get the new one. It's like iPods. It's easier to toss an iPod and replace it than to fix it. And I think that's what we'll do. We'll continue to spend more than we can afford, and people will wonder why things haven't changed.

WE HAVE TO BE THE CHANGE. WE HAVE TO BE THE CONSISTENCY. WE HAVE TO BE THE LEVEL HEADED ONES. We can't just push that off on a politician and run off and be stupid and expect things to turn out good.

Jesus, save us from ourselves and our ignorance.

vote time

2008-11-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

so i know election time is here, it's been driving most of us nuts. and we're all burned out on it and ready to be done with it. true story. but, here are some things to think about. and these aren't mine so i take no credit for any genius there is in them. the first is this, a blog about why NOT VOTING is an act of violence. regardless of whether or not you agree, i think it is some very worthy brain food, and something to make you think whether or not you think things are or aren't worth being a part of.

here's the link.

and i will tell you to go vote for whoever you want to vote for, but this blog is a lot of why/how i feel about my vote, so disagree & hate me if you want to, that's cool. but this resonates with me a LOT, to the degree that i'm going to bum it from my friend josh and say it's more well explained than i could try to explain the whole thing myself. so, here's some interesting brain food on why a vote for this guy is okay.

oh, and starbucks is giving away coffee if you go vote. so go do that for the coffee if nothing else.

and finally, i leave you with one last piece of fun: (if you can't see it, here's the link)

what a bailout SHOULD look like

2008-10-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

Good old AIG took their help from the government and went and did this with it...

But, then there's stuff like this:

my own Jesus Junk...

2008-10-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

So, here's a couple things for you all who actually read this. (I think there's 2 of you if I'm lucky)

My buddy Marko does this thing called the "Jesus Junk of the Month" (great/most recent example here) and I think it's pretty funny stuff. Well, I got this "awesome" product email from a company that will remain anonymous since I'm bad mouthing them, but I'm sure you can google them if you're really that curious about it. Basically this is the "christian marketing machine's" version of a barbie or bratz doll I think. And I like that it's "new for christmas."

So maybe this is more of a rant than I thought, but I have a lot of trouble reconciling that this kind of thing is what the world needs. I don't think that reducing the amazing work of Jesus to a t-shirt - or a t-shirt on a doll which is even worse - is what we should be doing with the story of Jesus. It seems very belittling of us to do so. Honestly, deep inside me it feels like we're being sold crap in the name of Jesus. It REALLY offends me. I actually emailed them back and said "thanks for selling trite crap in the name of the Savior!" It REALLY, REALLY offends me deeply.

I don't know why the "Christian subculture" feels a need to do this stuff. (Don't even get me started on why that subculture even exists. I'll get mad) But I think this kind of stuff is DIRECTLY correlated to why Christianity has lost it's impact. It's why people don't believe us anymore, or believe IN Jesus anymore. It's like everything we offer is a gimmick. And Jesus is ANYTHING but a gimmick. I wish someone would've stopped this machine before it ever got started.

See I think we need to learn to see Jesus in other places. Take this guy's video of Boston for example. If we could learn to see Jesus through people and places and not in tacky dolls & shirts, our lives would be infinitely deeper. Watch this video (if you're on facebook and it isn't here, read the original post please!) and look for glimpses of truth. Glimpses of love or hope or beauty. Jesus is "hiding in plain sight" in these moments. Not in crappy, overpriced dolls.

Boston. Through my eyes. from Nick Keating on Vimeo.

Live deeper.

a little something for inspiration

2008-10-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

I found this today, thinking about using it for fall retreat somehow, (even though it's flash and I"m not sure how to download it). I really like the visual though. Thought I'd pass along. The guy who shot this stuff is actually full of all sorts of amazing stuff.

brushfire from Charlie McCarthy on Vimeo.

in a much lighter note

2008-10-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, now that I've gone and made you think, allow me to undo what I just did. You HAVE to check this out: kung-fu election

where has jesus gone?

2008-10-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

so, in my daily web searching, i generally check a few "regulars." One is a site I recently referenced in a blog called ASBO Jesus. If you don't know what ASBO means, here's Jon's descrpition:

btw. for the non british among you… an ‘asbo’ is an ‘anti-social behaviour order’… the courts here

award them to people who are deemed to be constant trouble in their neighbourhoods…

presumably according to their neighbours!

So, long story short, I think it's some REALLY great stuff. This one really caught my attention though, the one at the top. And its got me wondering, where has Jesus gone? Let me go ahead and make sure you know I don't think Jesus moved out of the neighborhood or anything like that, just that I don't know where we see Him anymore. I wonder if this response in the cartoon is too real, and we meet Jesus and don't even know it. If we meet a poor or homeless guy and he says life is so hard, and we tell him he needs Jesus. What does that mean anyways? "Believe in Jesus and you'll have all the money and love and stuff you'll ever need!" Is that really the offer? Because I think I could believe in the lottery and pull the same thing off.

This cartoon inspires me really. In the line of work I'm in, we don't exactly roll in the cash. Not without going to a seminary and becoming a "professional" at least. And I don't live in poverty at all, but I don't live in a house I own either, or a fancy, dressed up neighborhood either. And I kind of like that. I don't mean that in a snobby way, I just like that I don't live in a place where everything is so clean and wrapped up in a bow. I think life is messy, and to try and live otherwise is like trying to stop a wave in the ocean. Very Stepford, if you will. But there are days that I would love to leave it all and go make a crap ton of money, drive a nice new car (this or this would be fun for around $50K-$124K) and work in a trendy glass covered office and go home to some cool place in OkC. But then I see something like this in my own life, and I realize that this isn't how I'm going to live. And I'm really pretty okay with that.

So for me, I hope and long more to be made into the image of Jesus. And that the things that would make him weep for a thousand years are the things that make me weep too. And I feel like in all of this, that by trying to be in that place, that I'm close to God. And that He is close to me too, that He lets me be close and be a part of the things on His heart. And THAT is the thing that I want more than anything. I don't feel like I'm always close to God like I want, and honestly, my heart is really broken because I feel like God wants closeness but I can't find where He's hiding out.

In my search though, the thing I find true is the need for simplicity. For things to not be so complex, mostly because things are naturally messy. I don't need more things to do, more places to go. All I need to is to know who I am, Who's I am, and to be that person. For me, that means loving Jesus, loving my wife and my son, my friends, and having deep friendships with everyone in that list. And to be on mission to see where God is at work, and to do that work. I've found a place in town, and a place or two overseas. I just want to see more of this though. That is where my heart is. Looking for God's.

live deeper.

random tuesday...

2008-09-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been off the radar too long. There's a lot stirring in the waters, but I don't think I'm really up for talking much. So, I leave you with this to ponder in the mean time:

Oh, and let's make this a poll, good idea or complete stupidity? Seems like you should know where wind originates, and it's not underwater.

seems true

2008-09-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

thanks to asbojesus for the great work. these both feel appropriate right now.

i'm curious what your thoughts about either are. mostly the church one though.

thoughts?

the end?

2008-09-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

saw this on the news today, guess we're all doomed?

sorry i've been off the radar in the blogosphere, but hey, I just had a baby 7 weeks ago, what'd you expect? : ) They aren't kidding when they say having a baby changes everything.

So, funny story from starbucks the other day. This lady came in, and wanted "that coffee/slushy thing." Generally we get that once every couple weeks or so, and we know they mean a frappucino. So we explain that to her, and she says it can't have sugar in it, which it does. So, we recommend the "creme based" frappucino, as that is dairy based and has splenda in it. She quickly fires back "I can't have splenda." So, after discovering she doesn't want sugar, and can't have splenda, we talk her into an iced coffee with cream. No big deal right? Well, right before she pulls out of the order window she yells back at us, "yeah, I can't have splenda, it gives me... diarrhea! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and then pulls off to the window to pay. Then she asks me when she gets there if that was too much info. Trying to be nice I say, "well, we didn't exactly see that coming," and try to affirm that I've heard weirder things. I said she'd fit right in on the barista line jokingly, to which she says, "great! i'll bring you more stories next time." Then as I hand her drink to here she says, "yeah, nothing's worse than being out shopping with your friends and not knowing you've had something with splenda in it until it hits you all of a sudden." To which I think to myself, THIS moment might easily be worse than that moment.

Sorry,you get to share in the misery/awkwardness.

Hope we live past Wednesday!

baby pics!

2008-07-21T19:27:00.001-07:00

Photobucket Album

update to yesterday's post...

2008-07-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

so, update to yesterday's post. apparently they've changed the ar-15 they were giving away to a shotgun. I suppose that makes more sense, since you can "encourage" someone so much easier with a weapon that will for sure murder them at point-blank when you ask them if they want to accept Jesus.

oh, and I skimmed through the 30 minutes of the highlight video from last year, and apparently I was pretty spot on about the "soul-winning blitz." don't even get me started about how sad it is that they are only concerned about the "number of souls you win."

it's SOOOOOOO like Jesus camp too. The video is terrifying.

In a completely unrelated string of thought, someone told me today that I look like Luke Wilson from "The Royal Tenenbaum's." when I wear a headband, which I've been doing at work because we have a new drink at work.

weird eh? I don't see it.

oh it makes my head hurt...

2008-07-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. So I had zero intention of blogging today at all. It's been a bit of a frustrating weekend (you don't want to know), and I'm really tired. I had my full week at church (40+), and I managed to rock like 30+ hours at starbucks at the same time. Side note: if you ever go work for starbucks, try to not open one morning (thursday), close that night, open the next morning (friday), open again (saturday), and close at a totally different store that night. I tried that last week. Stupid, but it is going to get me cheap insurance, so it'll be worth the stress in a month or so. And I won't have to do that again I don't think, so that'll help.

Anycrap, all my sleepy-crabby-annoyed self aside, I just have to tell you how embarrassed I am about living in Oklahoma when crap like this pops up on national news websites. It's on other sites too, like yahoo, cnn, etc. If you'd like to see their website, here it is. It doesn't even look like a youth website. This creeps me out a lot too. It feels very Jesus-camp-ish.

What's really funny about the whole thing is the website. You should look at it. All I have to say is, if you invite me to something with "red HOT preaching, multiple games, skits, activities, and MUCH more" I'm probably going to try and not snicker while you invite me. And what exactly happens during a "Soulwinning Blitz?" I'm guessing you go around and blanket the neighborhood in teenagers who ask people if they were going to die tonight, do they know where they're going? Followed by a really "great" tract on how to believe in Jesus. Team with the most converts wins extra chances at the AR-15. That's right, they're giving away an AR-15. I don't know, maybe they offer to show them where they're going via the AR-15.

Here's where I get lost though, the big drama from these guys is their AR-15 giveaway. They advertise on their website more than once about the "AR-15 giveaway," and then they say this:

"Although the shooting competition that was to take place during the Youth Conference had been canceled, due to false statements^* made by the Oklahoma City TV Channel 5 (KOCO) and subsequently reported also by media outlets across the country, an AR-15 was donated last Saturday so that the competition could go on as planned.

If Congress, back when our country was fighting for its independence could give engraved muskets to the fifteen or so eleven year old boys that their teacher, Mr. Akins, led into battle against the British, then we can give away a firearm still today, especially since our Supreme Court just re-emphasized our Second Amendment rights."

Like I said, it makes my head hurt. And it kinda makes me ashamed of Oklahoma. Fortunately, they aren't the majority, otherwise I would probably look at a non-neighboring state as my new place to live.

Who exactly donates an $800 assault rifle to a church anyways? Don't even get me started on the implications of this stuff. That's like it's own blog post itself, but one I won't write, because it would be a stupid long rant of stuff you probably know already. Things like "Jesus seemed to prefer non-violence" and "I didn't know the Bible and the Constitution were interchangeable in church settings."

If you are looking at the website, check out "Crunch Revival" boy there. He's scary, but not in a chuck norris kind of way. That's for sure.

I'm sorry WHBC, I think I'll have to skip your youth conference. You can keep your little "Soulwinning Blitz" and I'm going to keep my $45.

Guess I should look into a flak jacket soon too. Who knows when one of these kids may stop by to catch me during the blitz? Hope it isn't last year's winner, packing his AR-15.

monday is a weird day

2008-06-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, first off, let me just bust all over the "great state" of texas. Texans think they are absolutely amazing and all, but no more! Between my buddy Wes' stories of SAD, which for those of you who don't know means SA-Dallas. (i'll leave the first 2 to your imagination, think traffic and all things miserable) The today show has undone anything good that Texas had going for it in about 4 minutes. Oklahoma's got weird places and crap and all, but nothing as bad as the museum Plano is boasting. Ugh.

Now an odd local story. I have this guy who rides a bike near my house, and one of these days I'm going to take a picture of him because you all need to see him. He's just weird.

He rides a bicycle (nothing fancy, probably the wal-mart special), with a motorcycle helmet. Think the one where the whole front is a piece of plastic. Almost like those face shields the morgue guy on CSI wears, but tinted black so you can't see his face. next, throw in blue jeans, a long sleeve shirt with a khaki vest, as in the fall/winter insulated vest that you wear in the cold. And leather work gloves. And I've seen this guy probably once a week for the last 6 or 7 weeks. So, basically, he's dressed for fall yard work and motorcycle riding all in 90 degree weather. I'm wondering if he's a vampire or something, and exposure to sunlight will end it all for him. But, I'm a little worried to just roll down the window and chat, I mean, what if he IS a vampire? Or at least creepy. I mean the work gloves and the vest make me wonder...

still stuck on community...

2008-06-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

So this week I got to see some really good friends that I haven't seen in what feels like a really long time. It was really good to see them too. We're both pregnant fam's and are due like a week apart from each other. Pretty nuts how that worked out (and no, we didn't plan that). We talked photography some though (totally different from my other buddy's stuff because it's outdoors and on color slides, zero photoshopping!) and what it's like living out by the grand tetons. I'm still jealous they live there in a lot of ways. Oh, and I got my butt kicked at Wii bowling, but that's alright. I'm neither a Wii owner, or much of a bowler.

Anyways it was really great to see them and catch up. And it reminded me of why Courtney & I are so spread thin in the "people we see often" department. Don't get me wrong, we have people we see often, and I am SO thankful for those people, because they are such a vital part of our lives (you know who you are...mc's!). They keep us sane frankly. But, at the same time, I see the value of of having more than one couple that we can really hang out with and really be ourselves and be transparent with too. And for us, even being in the same chapter, in that we're both about a month out from our lives taking a major chapter change, being able to talk about that stuff, and the things we keep hoping for in our lives and the lives of our kids (which btw, totally looking forward to raiding the parks in OKC with Luke), it is just good for us. I wish we had more of that honestly. I mean, I left their house that night feeling like I'd been with family, but that's to be expected as this guy's been like a brother to me in a lot of ways for a good chunk of my life. But even more than that, I left feeling like I'd just gotten a reminder of what deep, Jesus-centered community looks like. To be together, to share in the ups & downs, to eat together (which I hadn't planned on, but Myra doesn't let you come over and party without making awesome food!), and to laugh and have fun. I don't think you can ever get enough of that. I know I don't at least.

And it's always fun to listen to Bobby & Jamie talking in their own little "semi-cowboy spanglish" that they've got going on. Hilarious. You don't even know.

So yeah, that couple hours was something I deeply needed, and so enjoyed. And it left me wishing that I had that more often. And it leaves me wondering where exactly to find that too. That unfortunately hasn't changed for me. I'm looking forward to the day it does though. Apparently the UMC has decided to make it a major point of importance to find young people to bring to the church, I hope we're not starting that project too late. I hope it pans out because I find myself longing for that kind of community.

What are you longing for? What is the thing your heart wishes for deeply?

experiments in silence & noise... (for the youth group!)

2008-06-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

so, this last weekend, and God stirred the waters up at youth. That's never a bad thing, right?

actually, I'm really excited about it.

I think it's going to be a great thing for us.

About a month or so ago, I was really aware of the fact that we don't spend a lot of time just being still before God. I know I've heard tons of people talk about this too, but I was actually feeling it in my heart. It was almost like being sick or kinda depressed, like how your body feels heavy. I really felt like I - and the group of people I'm around at church - need to sort of rediscover that part of life. Being intentional and carving out space to be quiet before God. It honestly reminded me a bit of my late high school years, when I'd get together with people at a friend's house, and we'd just sing songs, pray, and read scripture. We didn't structure or program, we just showed up and our agenda was as simple as 'we want to be in the presence of God.' That was our agenda.

What's crazy is that it worked.

No "over-programming the crap out of stuff," just us being still and listening for what God wanted to be and know. It was really amazing. Honestly, it was one of the most important things for me as far as shaping my thoughts and beliefs about God. And when college & life didn't pan out, and I found myself wondering whether or not God was really in charge of things, I remembered the times and places I'd seen him move around me, and I know those things were too big to be circumstantial.

All that to say, I had sort of planned to bring this idea up, and not even this soon, it just sort of happened. And it really sparked something. And that's not to say "go me! you planned something!" that's really to say that God wanted this thing to happen, and while I was getting there, He decided to go ahead and get it moving. Fine by me. His timing is better than mine anyways. It's encouraging because I feel like I'm pointed the direction God wants us to go.

And that's a really good thing.

And, I've had some conversations with some of the youth in our group about it, and it seems to be hitting a place that for some, is a deep desire for them. To really know and be aware that God is close. Or to reawaken in some cases. For some, it's something they're waking up to entirely.

And that's a really REALLY good thing.

All that to say, we all agreed to try this "silence" thing out for the week, and see what's good about it, what's hard about it, and if anything happens. For me, I sometimes need music to get me to a point to be still, so I put a playlist together for us all to check out. Feel free to come use it if you feel like it fits you.

I'm going to journal during this whole thing too, so, if you've never journaled, feel free to do so. If you need ideas of what that looks like, feel free to ask me about it.

Have a good, quiet week.

bipolar tuesday... and wednesday?

2008-05-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well, my bipolar adventure continues, so it seems.

Yesterday, I mentioned having a bipolar week, and that it related to my work in church, and on the one hand, I feel like that's deserving of an obvious "DUH!" but I realize not everyone has that experience working in a church, paid, volunteer, or otherwise. For the record, I'm jealous of those of you who don't have that happen, though I keep telling myself that it's good for me in the long run. Pop psychology!!!! woo-hoooo!!

Here's what I mean. Things are good. Jesus is good, heck, GREAT, in spite of me. One of the things I love is how God works in spite of us and our shortcomings. I try to make my only agenda going the direction that God is calling us as a group, and to not get bogged down in the mean time, but I have a hard time learning to let things be as they are.

By that I mean, my heart aches at how life goes in church. There are good things going on, but at the same time, there is conflict and resistance in people, and it creates tension that I wish wasn't there. I'm a firm believer that God offends the mind to reveal the heart, and so on some level I'm okay with the conflict, but it all feels so unhealthy. That's where it gets hard. And it's hard to watch students leave and no one really go after them too. I feel it's a very "mega-church" move of us to do that, for the front and back doors to be wide open to coming & going. And I don't say that to take a jab at mega-churches, I think there are lots of big churches that do great things. I think we even NEED mega-churches. But our group has this strange resistance & hostility to mega-churches, so I say it's a "mega-church move" on our part because we do the same things as churches we claim to not like. (The church I speak of isn't important, but my students that read this will know the church I'm talking about, and that's all I mean by this)

I was looking around at some facebook pages, and seeing where my friends were a year ago, and seeing where they are now, (and I know facebook isn't always accurate, but it's who they portray themselves as, so on some level, it's who they want to be) and my heart hurts seeing where some of our students are.

And we let them leave.

No one stopped to try and encourage them to stick around. And when we mention not seeing "so-and-so" in a while, it gets glossed over and we say "well, you probably WON'T see them around." meaning something along the lines of "I don't think they're living very Christian right now, so we won't see them." and my heart weeps for that. THAT is one of the cancers that will kill the Church from the inside out. To accept that they aren't "living right" (i.e. to MY standard) and so clearly they gave up on the church. Even if they did, why do we let them give up on us? If we don't go after them, then their giving up on us was right! That shouldn't be the case.

ever.

I see this in churches that fight for college ministries too. Lots of places say "college kids just come eat our food and don't give financially, but they'll come back later when they're married & have kids." (i.e. when they're stable and can give their tithe to us) That may have been true once, but it's not anymore. I see this in my age group.

We aren't coming back (people my age I mean). And my wife and I feel like THE minority in our church.

It makes staying hard. Can I say that? (I mean, I just did!) Is it a career-busting move for a church staff person to say that staying in a church is hard because you don't feel like there is a community for you? I don't know, but that's where we are. We know one other couple in our church (500 people) that is our age. Everyone else is way older or way younger.

And at the same time (here's the manic upswing of my bipolar-ness), Jesus gives me such hope for the future of things. And I feel so good and excited about being a part of a story that is bigger than me. About being a part of God's story, and about being a part of the youth group that I'm in. Even if I left this job tomorrow, I'd still stick around as a volunteer because I believe so much in what we're doing as a ministry and as a group.

So, and this is an open question to all of you that might read this: how do I reconcile all of this? How do I justify what we do, when things are being done wrong? We do some things wrong and poor, and some things great and well, so does it all offset? What do I do with this ache in my heart for things to be different? For us to be different? Do I just accept that we're all sons & daughters in God's kingdom and that our flaws get in the way, or do I get upset and rebel against the things we do wrong?

And how the heck do I find community in a place that doesn't offer it?

my bipolar tuesday...

2008-05-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today is making for a strange day. it's been a sort of building thing, all slowly creeping to a point I suppose. But today feels like a very bipolar sort of day. The rain makes it seem all the more appropriate really.

First, there are good things. I'm enjoying working at starbucks in my free time, and the free coffee I get for working there isn't hurting any either. But at the same time, I'm starting to dread waking up at 2 am to feed Lucas (once that happens) and then wake up at 4 to go to work. That'll be so worth it, but so exhausting, it makes me tired just thinking about it.

And I've found a new toy to enjoy. Adobe has launched this new thing called Photoshop Express, and it's super cool. I've posted a few pics that I've taken lately of the day lilies we have in our back yard, and they look pretty good. Most of the work was actual Photoshop, and not express, but it's a super cool place to put your pictures if nothing else. Feel free to stop by and check out the flowers that are taking over my back yard in a jungle kinda way here.

Here's where things get stupid. So, we bought a crib a few weeks back, second hand, from a friend of a relative, one of those my friend will cut you a deal kind of things. So, we got a crib, a changing table, and a dresser for like $400, which each of the same pieces & same brand new costs $400 a piece. Good deal, eh? Here's where it gets sticky... the crib is a piece of crap. So, really we paid $400 for 2 good pieces of furniture and a headboard. Because after order $50 worth of screws & bolts from the manufacturer, we learned that the screw holes that hold the whole thing together are stripped out and won't work. Here's where it gets stickier... the lady told us we could return it if we couldn't find parts, but because we found parts she won't take it back. So, then we bought a new crib this weekend, which sucks, but we got it about $100 less than we should have. And it holds together like it's supposed to, which is a plus of course. So, anyone who's thinking about having kids, make sure you have the parts, and that they all work BEFORE you buy a crib, even if it's a friend of a friend... sometimes those turn out to be the shadiest of all people.

And so life feels like this a lot lately, a lot of swings up & down & up & down. It's quite draining, along with everything else in life all going on at the same time. And all the while, I'm trying to dream things for what our family wants, what I want life to look like, the things that I'm praying for and hoping for my son, all sorts of stuff, and it gets exhausting. Then there's all my thoughts about youth ministry, and the youth ministry that I'm in, specifically. I have thoughts on that, but that's a post for a later time. Come back soon and check it out if you're curious what I think about it, but know it's bipolar too. : ) it's that kind of season. maybe it's in the water...

pics from Lucas' ultrasound

2008-05-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

This is only a link to the rest of the pictures, but feel free to take a look at them if you want. I know it's a lot of pictures, and maybe more than some of you want to look at, which is totally fine. Anyways, here ya go!

why I love sarcasm

2008-05-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been busy lately, but I thought, if you're looking for some other great material to read while I'm in limbo, I'd pass along a couple of the sites I read. I find them both stimulating and entirely hilarious. Here's one of them:

The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus. For those of you who - like me - have zero idea what ASBO is, here's his definition:btw. for the non british among you… an ‘asbo’ is an ‘anti-social behaviour order’… the courts here award them to people who are deemed to be constant trouble in their neighbourhoods… presumably according to their neighbours!"Great stuff, the ASBO. I put an example up at the top here too.

Another one I like to check is "Stuff Christians Like." Very similar to "Stuff White People Like," except that this one hones in on Christian sub-culture and hits it pretty square. It's been hilarious to read honestly. Really refreshing to see someone thinks we do some things wrong and doesn't mind having a laugh about it. Stuff white people like just hits everything in white people world, and makes fun of us for it. Also a GREAT read.

On a bit more serious note, here's something I found interesting. This website called "Dear-God.net." Setup by the same people that run "the cool hunter" it's basically an online prayer experiment. It looks at "God" in the broad "God/god/chi/whatever energy is running the room & world" sense, so if you're expecting people to pray to Jesus, you'll be let down. It's not always to Jesus, or the Christian God. Regardless, it's quite the amazing commentary on our world, and the things that are on the minds of people around the world.

I guess I write this mostly because I wanted a break. Please indulge me and forgive my ranting. Life has been bumpy as of late, and while the heaviness I feel is good in some ways, in other ways it is not good. Maybe I'll blog about that later, but for now, I needed a breather, and thought I'd point out some fun brain food to you all.

I leave you with this little bit of fun. I found this on Marko's website, and was amazed that this qualifies as on the job training for someone. Pardon the one s-word in here, it's still insane.

something to do this weekend...

2008-05-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

When I went to the Robbie Seay concert last Sunday night, I learned of another opportunity coming up this weekend that I thought I'd pass along. I'm way excited to see what this thing ends up looking like. And I don't just say that because I'm a friend & fan of bridgeway. As a guy who loves art and loves Jesus, I am really intrigued by what this could end up looking like. Here's the poster too.

I added some pics of the show from Sunday too. Robbie is such a cool guy. I'll apologize for the lousiness of the pictures. I didn't bring a camera, but thought I'd try to get a few shots of the night on my phone, hence the poor quality. You can't expect much out of a 1.3MP camera. Nothing like this guy's shots at least. But his camera, computer, & photo editing setup is probably worth more than my car.

Oh, P.S., anyone thinking about buying a new iPhone should wait. Just trust me, you want to wait...

AMAZING concert. we should all go!

2008-04-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

I plan on going after youth gets out. It will completely be worth going. I'll probably miss a little bit of the opening parts of the night, as youth usually goes til 7:00. But I'll be there in time for Robbie for sure, and hopefully for Joel too. He's a great guy.

Doors to the show open at 7:00, it costs $8 to get in. That is a steal on the quality of the show. It will be a great night. Hope to see you there.

oklahoma's rock song...

2008-04-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so apparently there is a vote going on in oklahoma for the official oklahoma state rock song. I'm having nightmares that it's going to be some crap by vince gill. PLEASE GO VOTE! http://www.oklahomarocksong.org/ if you want a 150% biased opinion, go vote for flaming lips. p.s. if mercy me wins, and "i can only imagine" becomes our official state song, i'm moving. texas, washington (despite all the flak i'd take in seattle), oregon, maine, i don't care. if that song wins, i'm getting the heck out of town. i'll probably do the same thing if hinder wins too. PLEASE GO VOTE FOR SOMEONE!

the crazies came to school...

2008-04-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago, my buddy Steve & I hear that there is this crazy guy on campus up at school, so of course we have to go and see him. His picture is here, just go you can get an idea of what we walked into. The special part of it is that his board flipped around to say different things, but you get the basic gist from what is on there now. Basically, the idea that "God is angry with us every day."

Now, he said his story was that God called him to what he called "confrontational preaching." Basically, his thing was that God told him to go to college campuses and tell everyone why they're going to hell. It was really encouraging.

He was pretty much into telling everyone why they're wrong. I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but that's really how it was. He talked to a Catholic, and was only too happy to point out that he had been raised Catholic, but fortunately god had redeemed him of his sinful ways, because praying to Mary was the fast lane to hell. What surprised me was that there were people actually trying to have an honest conversation with him. If anything was a positive in this whole thing, it was that. No one really listened to him, but the Christians that were there were having an intelligent discussion about it. Probably the only positive to the day. But, in the grand scheme of it all, even the good discussion happening, it was getting drowned out by all the other people complaining about his presence on campus.

There were a couple of people that would just be antagonistic for the sake of being antagonistic, one guy said he was there to "watch this guy get his butt kicked" which never happened. Still others were there to pass out cigarettes because mr. sign guy was shouting about the sin of smoking among everything else. Oh, and being greek is like buddying up with Satan himself apparently. While the whole greek thing wasn't my speed, I know lots of people who did go greek, and they don't look anything like Satan. In fact, a lot of them remind me a lot of what I think Jesus would look like.

In the end, I had to leave, because the whole thing just got to be too much for me. I get pretty mad when this kind of thing comes along. These guys are all about themselves, and making sure everyone knows how holy they are, and how unholy everyone else is. It completely misses the point. So, I kindly thanked him for making my job harder, which I'm pretty sure he didn't hear. I tried to join the constructive conversations, but they were mostly with people I didn't know. Steve told me later that he went up and asked to have a discussion about the whole thing of this guy's hostility, and he looked Steve in the eye and said "I don't have time for you," and went back to shouting.

Why these guys come along and make those of us trying to actually point people to Jesus look like morons frustrates me to no end. Kind of like this group too.

futbol

2008-04-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

So, one of my buddies recently did a post on the NFL picks, and with everyone talking football, I though I'd talk a little futbol too. Of course, my futbol is not necessarily everyone else's football. . .

I'm personally really sold on the F.A. Premier, which for all you local types, means English soccer. I know, I've got zero loyalty to america, right? Well, here's why I don't care about football. It's all about the money, and there isn't excitement like there is in some real futbol. Here's what I mean: pull up a video on youtube about a NFL game, and it will generally be something like this:

Not bad per se, but the crowd only gets excited when something big happens. You've seen it happen before, if a game is a shutout, the crowd goes home at halftime, and that's only because they paid good money to watch a game. If it was cheap, they'd leave even earlier.

Now, here's a FA game:

And all that cheering is happening at the END of the game, when most people would have gone home already. A crowd at a NFL game has nothing on a crowd at a soccer game in the UK. Plain & simple.

And this year is crazy, which is another thing I like about it. Case in point: Up until a month ago, the #1 team was completely unstoppable basically. They were playing great and hardly ever losing, being way up in the points for the leader board. (quick lesson on leader boards: in FA, you get 3 points for a win, 1 point for a tie, and 0 points for a loss. so if you have a lot of points, you are doing really good) So, Arsenal, the power that be for the year, is just dominating the heck out of people, until about a month ago, when they lost 1 game, and tied 2, and now they're #3 in the rankings. I love that the game can change so quickly just like that. It's so great. Makes it so much more exciting. And really, most people outside the U.S. call soccer "the beautiful game," and it's pretty phenomenal really. It's a great thing to watch and be part of. Great stuff to watch. Oh, and yes, I'm already counting the days to the next World Cup if you're wondering. 798 days and counting. . .

catch up. . .

2008-03-26T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, remember that time I was going to try to be a more consistent blogger? whoops! oh well. such is life. at this point, I'm at least still coming back to blog, which is better than other things I've tried and not been good at. Little things like maintaining a day planner. I used to always buy one in high school, planning on staying on top of things, and then I'd drop the ball about 2 weeks into it, then I'd give up and quit using it until "final paper/final test" season at school.

It's been a busy few weeks. If I'd known 27 was going to be this crazy and difficult, I probably would've tried to stay 26 this year. 27 so far has been more difficult than it should be. And, I can't really blame age for it, as that has nothing to do with it. It's just been a hard few weeks. We've had a lot of mellow drama around us thanks to our health insurance company, talking about rates and owing them money for their paperwork errors, stuff like that. This was complicated by the fact that we had to deal with this while I'm getting ready to leave for a week to go to Tulsa, Oklahoma and take 15 students/adults on a mission trip. It's crazy stuff, and can easily stress one out. But it's pretty much straightened out now. We owe a crap-ton of back money for things we want, and I hope they learn their lesson and quit screwing up other people's paperwork.

The thing that is most frustrating about this whole thing, is, for me at least, that about 98% of our money problems seem to stem from my moving into youth ministry as a career and not a volunteer opportunity. It sure makes staying in youth ministry hard to do. Cliche I know, but when Courtney & I both work, we do okay with money. It's having a baby and wanting US to raise our kids, and not some random daycare worker that makes staying in youth ministry tough. I want to, because I feel like I'm doing something good here and all, but this kind of stuff spreads us awfully thin, especially if something big (like 18 months of back insurance corrections) comes up. Frankly, it makes faith stuff hard in general. It's funny - bad word choice, maybe weird - how fragile faith can be really. On the one hand, I suppose it's terribly cliche, but on the other, it's really hard to trust that God is looking out for us when we are consistently finding our financial security dying about once a year. Having a baby on the way makes it all that much harder too frankly. Grace, love, peace, all good things, and all easy to trust in, but faith and trust are really tough as of late. And maybe in some weird way God is trying to get our attention and hold on to him all the tighter, and in that way learn to trust him. I don't have this figured out at all, and who knows if/when I will?

I vent about this mostly because 1: i need to get it out of my system so I can think about something else for now. 2: because I'm curious how everyone else handles this kind of stuff. On the one hand, I wonder if I should go find a job that pays well, and fight and scrape to make lots of money since things look more bleak every day as far as money and the U.S. is concerned. (which btw, I think the news is making way too big a deal out of) Then I could be a volunteer and afford to do lots of stuff. Maybe my life would have more impact if I lived that way. On the other hand, maybe that's not the way life is supposed to work out. Who knows? I'm sure this is nothing new to anyone really, but since it's my first kid, and my first career I've had that I cared about keeping, it's weird to look at the whole thing and try to reconcile it all and see if it all pans out in a way I'd want it to.

At the same time, I keep thinking about a guy I heard talk about being married once, and he said "if you want to serve Jesus, stay single. If you want to learn how to BE like Jesus, get married." and it leaves me wondering about that too. Not whether or not I should be married, I LOVE being married, and I love my wife. But maybe this is the whole point of it all: maybe for me to appreciate the things Jesus did, and the sacrifices He made, maybe I have to give up youth ministry to really GET what giving up something looks like. I can still serve Jesus, Church, and youth all without working in a church.

Who knows what I'll do really. In some ways, I feel tied to my job a lot, in other ways, leaving ministry to do a "normal job" is somewhat freeing. I can just work and see God outside the church easier, and be Jesus outside the church without the "where do you work again?" stigma that attaches to pastors.

In a totally unrelated end, here's something fun for you. I wish our local sportscasters had this much fun with the news:

#27

2008-02-25T07:52:00.000-08:00

so remember when I said I would try to blog more? like 2 posts ago, I planned on writing every other day or so? well, while it may seem I've botched that, in all truth, I really just took a break for my birthday. who wants to blog on their birthday?

anyways, year 27 is here for me. It's so far about the same as 26. Frankly, it's the same as 25 too, in some ways at least. We'll undergo some major changes this year though, most of which will happen this summer. (that means baby time for those of you I haven't seen in person lately) In all honesty, I'm ready for things to change. All of life has some level of change in it, jobs, money situation, having things payed off or being in debt still. But one thing we lack is big changes it seems. Like for me, I know that the person I was in early high school is dramatically different from the person I was in late high school. And the person I was then isn't the same as I was in college. And I shouldn't be the same either. I should be constantly changing and growing as a person, and as a follower of Jesus. And that's the part that should change the most, but for me and for others too I'd guess, that's the part we never change enough of. Not that we should be rocked by every little thing, but if Jesus in all his bigness is really living in me, then why am I not changing and growing in that identity more and more? Are we scared of the change? Is it a lack of commitment? Or do we just not pay enough attention to see the opportunity to change and not take it?

As the caffeine junky I am, I had coffee with a good friend last week. He put it this way: we don't have enough adventure in our lives. His neighbor across the street for example. He lives in a neighborhood in mid-Oklahoma City, near a historic neighborhood, but not IN the historic neighborhood. Not the newest or richest place by any means, but not a horrible place either. But this guy was WAY involved in the Apollo project back in the day. So he's a NASA genius. But when NASA decided to do away with Apollo, he got laid off. His wife freaked out about it and left him, and he decided to travel for almost 2 years, just going places. Now he lives in a fair house in a fair neighborhood just living and doing his thing. While that might seem a bit mundane, he did something really amazing at some point in his life. Had a hand in putting people on the moon! And somehow, things didn't pan out like he hoped, but he still found adventure and things to do with himself. My question is: are we all so obsessed with having a new house, new cars, and the american dream, that we chase "the dream" generic when our own dream might be staring us in the face where we are? What if this generic thing we all chase of a house, kids, and vacation wasn't for all of us? I bet it isn't. But do we chase "specific" dreams for ourselves at all? Or do we lose them to the american dream?

gotta go staff meeting time. hope to hear back from you.

live deeper. . .

road lag. . .

2008-02-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well, we're back from our Passion regional, and it was great. I am directionally challenged in Dallas, Texas apparently (especially when I use I-35W instead of I-35E in the rain), but less that, it was really great. BIG THANKS to Todd for letting us raid his house at midnight, even though he & his wife had to go to work at 5 am. If you look at the Passion website, we're apparently the only regional event to be sold out too, which explains a lot.

One of the things that was so cool was the ways that Passion pushed people to give so much this weekend, and how much people responded. Out of 6,000 people that were there, they donated 3,700 towels and 17,800 pairs of socks to the city of Dallas for people in need. Along with that, they were raising money for Blood:Water Mission, an organization that builds permanent wells for people in Africa. They cost about $3000 a piece. Passion Dallas raised $18,992 for BWM, so 6 wells that will give people water for the rest of their lives.

Oh, and then there was the "world tour" they're doing soon. Passion is going international next fall, and Dallas was directly sponsoring the event in Seoul, Korea, so that they can attend for free. They raised $80,040 for the regional event. "Poor" college students gave $98,000 in 24 hours.

One more thing too: Passion also adopted Union University (not the best story on it, but it's the best I found), that was completely destroyed in a tornado recently. What was so cool about this, is that Louie asked the 6,000 students to donate any extra clothing they might have with them for the students at Union, and they are going to give out the clothing in a "student store" of sorts, because almost all of the students lost EVERYthing in this tornado.

I've still got a lot stewing from the weekend, but I was REALLY impressed by the amazing stuff that happened this weekend. It's so crazy what can happen when 6,000 people who deeply love Jesus band together and give things away to others. It makes me wonder why we don't do that more. It makes me wonder what would happen if we did. We may not have the "latest and greatest" stuff in our churches, our church buildings might not even be all that great or perfect, but, what if we all gave away like that?

If we all were so willing to give away, and people knew that it was from our love of Jesus, the world would be a dramatically different place. I wish we all "got it" like that.

road trip!

2008-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

My creative writing teacher in high school always told me that I should write everyday, regardless of if I feel like I have something of value to say. After this week, it's a week of forced writing for sure. Coffee helps. And I've got to tell you, french press coffee is definitely the best. It's a bit gritty today, I think the coffee might be a bit too finely ground. Details. It is still tasty. Awful for your teeth in comparison to "regular" coffee, but delicious none the less.

Well, I'm off for the next couple days. Going to stay at a friend's house, while we go to a Passion regional event. I'm really looking forward to it. After my last post, of wanting to have some really intentional time for me, as much as I'm going to be in charge of things this weekend, I know it will be a great time for us all. I would love your prayers for our trip, as we're going on a weekend where it's supposed to be icy coming back home.

Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place. My mind is still a bit distracted this week. Plus, my mind is checking off things to do before I leave whilst I write. Let me leave you with some fun. I'm completely excited for this:

And, if I ever won the lottery, I'd almost consider buying this, if I lived on a coast.

Have a great weekend everyone. See ya next week.

mentally dead, but physically here. . .

2008-02-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hello to you all, especially to those of you on blogspot, as I'm a newb here. Today is a mixed day for me. actually, it's been a mixed week all the way around. I've felt somewhat "mentally dead" the last few days. it's been sort of odd really. I think the last time I really had one of these days was about 4 months ago. I think I get them every few months maybe. One of my friends gets a bad migraine about once a year, and it keeps him out for a few days; I think that's how my mentally dead days are. Once every few months, and I am useless for a few days. Such is life.

Actually, I feel the pull and need to get out of town for a couple days really. Working in youth ministry, I feel the pull to get out of town occasionally and re-center if you will. I suppose that would be the case with any job really, but I notice it more here. For me, it's all about the fact that for me to lead well, and to lead the way I want to lead, I feel a need to lead from my heart. It's like this: if I feel like God is calling us a certain direction, then I can only lead us as far as my heart is going that direction. If my relationship with God is lacking, or off-kilter, then I feel, I can derail us easily if I don't pay attention to what I'm doing. And this job feels too important to just let things go. It's not working on a teller line or anything.

Anyways, so that is where I find myself. I feel my heart saying "get out, find some fuel for yourself" and I think I'm gonna have to do it soon.

Not really a related thought per se, but I figure that picture is making no sense in context at all, so let me explain. Today some friends have signed up for this thing called "love is the movement" on facebook, which is an "unofficial" extension (as far as I can tell) of "To Write Love On Her Arms," which is an AMAZING group of people. And I have a friend, who was a student I met for 20 minutes once at a superbowl game about a year ago that has a strong tie to them, and asked us all to participate, and I can't turn down that offer. She is one that I think Jesus would "ditch church & religious people" to go hang out with if He was physically walking the Earth right now. And really, it's a prayer of sorts for me too, for us all. That we would find hope in the fact that in the end, Love will win. We lose sight of that way too often, myself especially, since I get lost in the in's & out's of ministry. Administrative office work frustrates me for that reason, and stirs up a hornets nest in my heart & head, but that's a different blog for a different day. Maybe I'll flesh it out in the next couple days, but I've spent enough time here for now. My goal is to try and write every other day, if not more often than that.

Oh, and for you south-central american types who know what Mardel is, here's some "Jesus junk" as my buddy Marko calls it, that will probably be here in no time next to the Jesus guitar pics and test-a-mints. Thanks to my buddy Tyler for passing this along to me: Jesus cosmetics in Singapore.

Live deeper.